The power of love... fashionable love...

Asking a hipster out is very hard. Here are certain rules that will help. 

If you sound like your interested in them then you’ve got no chance. 

They’ll be over you (not in a sexual way) before you know it. As we’ve said before, never show excitement. Make it seem like meeting up with that hipster whom you fancy could be achieved if you find time to fit them in between your stressful schedule of knitting your latest sheep’s wool cardigan and fixing your Fixie that has, for some strange reason, rusted and broken after you spent all night cycling through the rain listening to Howl by Allen Ginsberg on your iPod. Which by the way, was in a case that made it look like a old skool walkman. 

Don’t use very extensive vocabulary.

Seriously don’t, it’s a CarBomb waiting to happen. Just because you’ve read every beat poet and novel that the Guardian put in their 100 Novels To Read Before You Die list doesn’t mean that you actually speak like you have. No. No. NO. 

So, that same hipster who’s been giving us that funny feeling in our pants is in the same cafe as us? Then my friend, this is what you do. 

You're at separate tables, beside each other.

You: So over this place.

Hot Hipster: Yeah.

Beat. 

You: Heard there’s a cafe down the street. Just opened. No one knows about it.

Hot Hipster: Cool.

You: Totes.

Beat.

Take a sip of your coffee.

You: Ugh, even the coffee here is shit. And like, I know coffee.

Hot Hipster: Yeah, coffee is so cool.

You: One of my favorite things. Part of my life. 

Get up and go to the toilet. Come back in two mins so there is no doubt that it wasn’t a number two, and pack up your belongings. These consist of the novel your reading (Preferably something in a foreign language. Flemish for instance?), your wayfarers, rolling tobacco and an acorn that later you tell the Hot Hipster fell out of a tree that morning and it reminded you of yourself.

You: I’m outta here. They have a Cecelia Ahern novel on the bookcase, for like, the customers to read.

Hot  Hipster: What? Where’s the bookcase?!

You: You can’t see it. I destroyed it. I’m so against bad fiction. 

Hot Hipster: Yeah, so am I.

You: Totes. See you later, I’m off to that cafe.

Beat.

Hot Hipster: Where is it?

You: Suppose I could show you. Whatev’s. 

Hot Hipster: Cool.

You: Totes. 

And just like that, love is born. Like an acorn is born on a tree. Nature. Whatev's. 

Don’t dress for the date.

Even with writing that sentence I’ve made a mistake. It’s not a date. It never is. If someone asks, Oh hey, heard you're meeting so and so later? You say you’ve forgotten about it and are just meeting up with them to test out some ideas for your latest novel. 

Now, the dressing part. You have to dress like that previous statement you said to your overly curious friend is true. No socks allowed. When they ask why? It’s because you and the Native Americans share the same belief that once the foot is covered, so is the soul. Also say that if you had your way you wouldn’t wear shoes at all, you’d just be rocking barefoot 24/7. Or natures soles. See what I did there?

No freshly ironed clothes allowed. I don’t care if your favorite shirt goes with the pants you want to wear, or if that sexy little skirt is creased from being on the floor of your room for too long, do not iron them. The hipster will know. We always know. We can smell the steam residue on the fabric. Simply, the morning of the date (but don’t call it that) spread the piece of creased wardrobe that you want to wear on your kitchen table and place a selection of books all over it. What this will do is slowly take the heavy creases out through the pressure provided while the kitchen table will make the clothes in question smell like you were baking all day. Which hipsters love. Note: The more obscure the book, the better the distressed creases will be. 

No baby faced assassins allowed. Sorry girls, this ones for the men. Do not shave. If you have a beard, keep it. If you have stubble, then shave but ONLY into a mustache. That upper lip will drive that girl hip. And if you have a mustache then only order drinks that will leave it’s remnants on the facial hair in question. Milk, Guinness, Frozen Yogurt. 

Which brings us onto food. 

Meat is not good for the ol’Hipster loins.

When this is successful, which it no doubt will be, you bring the Hot Hipster to the cafe you were talking about. Or if it’s too hard to find an unheard of place that’s right up the top in the cool standard then simply pretend to get distracted halfway there by the sunset, a street busker or a wandering pigeon etc. When you’ve stopped for about a minute or so, simply say that you're pretty hungry, so over that cafe you were on your way to and your gonna go someplace else. 

The Hot Hipster will be bowled over by the fact that you’re over something before even trying it and will be beginning to develop feelings. Bring them to a restaurant that ONLY serves Vegan food. Order whichever meal makes your plate look like it’s just dinner for horses, oats, granules, seeds etc and have a prepared rant about the bourgeoise establishment you currently find yourselves in and how the slave trade is alive and well in modern Ireland. Also try breaking into another language because you forgot that the Hot Hipster only speaks English. The pleb. Hot Hipster, who once was the hottest hipster you ever laid your non-prescription glasses on will be getting so turned on now, will be thinking so much of you and your intelligence that they’ll be thinking this is defo an Instagram moment.

The minute you see that iPhone4 being raised and the Hot Hipster taking a couple of photos of the evening via Instagram it’s pretty much a no brainer. You're gonna score.  

Note: What drink to order? Anything with Elderflower, Westvleteren 12, or the Hipster Hot Pot, which consists of 4 individual espressos poured into one giant mug and a piece of celery on the side. 

The no-pants dance means you still accessorize. 

Now, assuming you’ve followed these simple rules then dinner will fly-by and the Hot Hipster cannot wait to take you home. If on the off chance they want to go back to yousr and you don’t want them to, then simply say your homeless. It’ll turn them on more. 

You get back to theirs, some obscure music is playing, the lights get dim and one thing leads to another and before you know it, naked love is on the cards. No bother. Everyone loves sex and hipsters are no different. But, while the rest of the population will take off all their clothes, hipsters leave some on. Deck shoes: a must. If you want to keep on socks then only knee high. If your wearing glasses, leave them on also, but preferably try switch to your spare ones with no lenses. Scarves, in winter, will drive the Hot Hipster crazy. If you rock it in summer, they’ll want to marry you!

Now what moves to unleash in the bedroom or fold-out bed that you find yourself on. Well why not try the Hipster Shuffle, the Wicker Wombat, the Tallahassee Tussle, the Bronco Charge or the awe inspiring Flannel Fluter. If you don’t know these sexual moves and techniques then reading this has all been in vain and you shouldn’t even ask that Hot Hipster out.

 Contrary to belief, people are not the same all over the world. But cool people are. Example: our beautiful hipster comrade Sohn Supradya Aursudkij who made a video called Stop Global Warming in between hanging out at the local flea markets, cafes and trendy bars. This is a still image from the video. Check it before you wreck it!

 "What if the world's average water level raises to this extent..."

Sohn, we love you, danke tres much!

Here's the link to the whole video, check it out and be amazed:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36gDZ_28wsw

Speak soon!

Nyree & Brian

Hipsters we met and liked

"Whatev's, we're over it."