Nyree and I sat in front of the TV on Wednesday, with our legs crossed, sipping on a Westvleteren 12 and eating finger food delights such as Yummy Baked Potato Skins, Cajun Deviled Eggs and Broccoli Stuffed Baby Portabella Mushrooms for dinner when a thought struck us so suddenly that we almost got up off our shared beanbag. The thought was this: Olympics, like WTF? It makes no sense. A CarBomb. Why would anyone participate in it or let alone watch it? But we were watching it even though the events are like super boring. We were sucked into it. That meant that it had a certain pull, a draw to our inner psyche. Important note: I fully believe that my inner psyche wears dec shoes. I know this because I felt most affiliation with the water based sports. And this would confirm my appreciation for all things nautical.
Then we thought, well, if there is something in us that draws us to compete against each other as human beings and what not, then surely lets not deny it but make it better. Very metaphysical. Nyree and I are deep like that. We already know there is the Hipster Olympics in Germany where they make fun of the trendy and stylish but what Nyree and I are talking about is something different. REAL sporting events but much cooler. Much much cooler. Like so cool that Frosty The Snowman would have to leave and put on some leg-warmers from Urban Outfitters. Which are €19.99. We checked.
So let’s sell it. Cue the boom.
100 meter sprint: Just have a 100 meter sprint where you can only wear old indian leather soled moccasins and have to roll a cigarette during the 10 seconds or however long it takes you to run it. NOTE* The more you strut instead of run, the more you’re guaranteed the gold. If you run you’re a sap. End of.
Javelin, Discs and Hammer Throw: Change all of these different types for one object to throw to uniform them all. What is an example of such an object you ask? Well what about the album POP by N'sync, any item of clothing from Penny’s or a carton of full fat milk. It’s for babies, you shouldn’t be drinking it.
Hurdles: Exact same as 100 meters but this time you have to jump over people who annually buy their winter jacket from Unique in Stephens Green. Extra points for landing on them.
Weightlifting, Clean n’Jerk and Squat: Athletes have to lift a bar which resembles a huge tape deck with a solid gold cord that extends from one side to the other. The option is there for the eventual winner to wear it as an accessory in everyday life after the games.
Floor Gymnastics: You have to do your routine in skinny jeans and if you rip them by stretching too much you’re disqualified. Full movability in skinny jeans without ripping them is a constant day to day battle that all hipsters face. Athletes should not be exempt. If your legs are too big for skinnies then lay off the squats.
Pole Vault: Do it while holding an espresso. When you clear the bar you drink it on the way down to the crash mat.
Boxing: In between rounds you have to smoke a rolly and the gloves are made from hemp. Less damage that way, easier on the ol’ complexion.
1500 Meters: Over the course of the race you have to change your outfit three times, drink a Westvalen 12 and jump over the finishing rope because it’s made from hemp and someone knitted it that morning. Again, skinnier the jeans, better your chance of medals.
Relay Race: You swap mix tapes and all the people in the stadium have to dance to the winning teams mix tape when it plays at the end of the race. More obscure the winning teams mix-tap, more condoms you get for the Olympic village.
Breaststroke: Quote Bukowski and Hemingway every time you come up for air. Extra points awarded if your t-shirt has a picture of a shark on the front of it. And extra extra points if it’s a picture of an ironic shark.
Butterfly: You tape vinyl discs to your hands and use them to swim. If the record breaks then you're disqualified and the whole stadium in unison shouts “Remix”.
Front Crawl: Same as the butterlfly but this time in your right hand you hold an iPhone and in your left a copy of ‘Vegan for Dummies”.
Swimming relay: Each team has one vintage t-shirt of their choice that the person swimming wears and who passes to the other swimmer upon completion of their two lengths, who in turn puts it on and swims their two lengths. This goes on for two more swimmers. After the fourth swimmer has swum the team show their vintage t-shirt to the judges who decide the winner. It’s all about how cool the t-shirt is really. The swimming is just a formality.
Cycling: All events are done on a fixie and riders outfits MUST match their bike. A scarf wrapped around the handle bar may earn you favour from the judges.
Cycling: All events are done on a fixie and riders outfits MUST match their bike. A scarf wrapped around the handle bar may earn you favour from the judges.
Final Day Marathon: 1 minute taken off your finishing time for each Instagram photo taken along the way. NOTE* Photo must have an effect and border outline. No snapping away and NOT touching it up throughout the race you cheating Dunnes Stores wearing bastard.
So if you like the suggestion that Nyree and I have proposed then feel free to sign the petition which can be found at
Any help would be greatly appreciated as maybe we can get these changes up and running before it hits Rio in 2016. We don’t mean to play the guilt card but this cause is pretty much up there with Concern and Trocaire in terms of how much we need your help. A giving hipster is a happy hipster.
Do you know who is a giving hipster? Horacio Perez. (What a link, we know) Check out these absolute whopper images he sent us all the way from Williamsburg, New York. Boom!
"After the revolution, who's going to pick up the garbage on Monday morning?"
Mierle Ukeles.
Photographic performance by Horacio Perez, theatre director.
Actors: Natasha Katerinopolous, Alexander Cavaluzzo.
Williamsburg, New York. 2012.
Horacio Perez you beautiful man, danke tres much!
Nyree and Brian
Hipsters we met and liked
'Whatev's, we're over it."
