The art of being in a bar. A hipster bar. If you’re a hipster.
Two main points.
1. Never EVER under no circumstances should you sit near the front door. You just don’t do it. You have to give off the effect of not caring and to do that you can’t be seen in the front window sipping away nonchalantly waiting for someone you know to walk by and wave. No, as a hipster you have to be seen IN the bar. In the deep dark underbelly of the establishment hoping to be NOT seen. Catch our drift? Or keeping with the theme, catch our draft? Bomb!
2. Said it before and will say it again, if they don’t serve Westvleteren 12 then you’re in the wrong bar. End of.
How do you sit? Well...
A) If in a booth then here is the protocol. The ultimate aim of any hipster while sitting in a booth is to lie down on the curved seat and sleep. That’s pretty much the height of not caring isn’t it? Sleeping in a bar while people are talking around you. This is the aim. The ultimate aim. So how to achieve that with people not thinking that you’re just an idiot who can’t handle your drink? Well, you’re not a hipster without your hipster friends no? Say Nyree and I pop into a bar for a drink and we end up sitting at a booth. She has full license in our hipster friendship to stop whatever conversation we’re having midway through and say that she’s going to sleep. I then have to sit upright at the table and if anyone asks say that she was out all night partying with a Belgen band called “Staakmolen” and hasn’t been home since. They’ll understand. But, what should I do if i’ve to cover her and not move from the table? Is that what you’re asking? Well, try sighing at each song that comes on, it’s a good way to pass the time. Roll the 45 cigarettes that will keep you going for the rest of the night, or try to convert a nearby person to veganisim by explaining the benefits. The last one is a bit tricky though, because if a hipster doesn’t care so much so that they could eventually be asleep in a drinking establishment then you can bet your left deck shoe that they certainly don’t care about the ill-fashioned uneducated oaf beside them.
B) If on a stool at the bar? Again, here is the protocol. Picture this, on the counter you have an assortment of nuts in a bowl, a novel, your Nikon SLR that you carelessly placed down because you were so tired from taking photos all day, a drink, and most importantly a scarf. Why the scarf you ask? Because the most hipster thing you can do is to tie the scarf around the stool and accesorise it so it’s not so bland. You can usually tell how hip a place is from the amount of scarves tied around random objects. You should never make eye contact with anyone in the bar, even if your sitting beside your best mate, not even the bar man when you’re ordering. Eye contact is a big no no. Remember, if in doubt just don’t look about. It’s not worth the effort.
If they play pop songs at the bar then you’re in the wrong bar. If they play Belgian underground then you’re in the right bar. If they play something in the middle, like a mixture of songs from all the decades then you can stop in there for a drink. But you certainly don’t wanna be seen there. A simple rule? If the lyrics to the song being played are from the country that the bar is in (i.e English in Ireland) then you should really think about what messages you’re giving out to fellow hipsters by drinking in such an establishment. And I use that word loosely.
What does the TV in the bar show while you’re sipping away? If it’s sports then see you later, who wants to move that fast, what a waste of time. If it’s the news then see you later, who wants to be made depressed. If it’s a music channel then see you later, who wants to watch douches jump around in clothes they haven’t picked themselves. If it’s coverage of a fashion show then see you later, again, who wants to watch douches walk around in clothes they haven’t picked themselves. If it’s basket weaving, the Late Late show, Countdown, Ballamory or the serial epicness that is Holby City then hold your preverbal horses, we’ll check that out. If shown in an ironic way then we can defo watch that shiz. Also, Hipsters around the world love Holby City. It’s a case of opposites attract. People who don’t care like to watch people who do care, caring. Simple as.
You know who cares though? Gareth Lyons. In the words of Faith No More, he cares a lot. He cares so much that he took this photo and sent it in to us. Shake your boom boom!
Danke Gareth!
P.S. Gareth also cares about Transformers cause they’re more than meets the eye.
